“Fucked,” “Unfulfilling,” and “Interesting” were answers I received from my peers when I asked them to describe their experience with dating apps. One of the dating apps the respondents used is called Easy – as in “Easy” to find hookups on these platforms or “Easy” to find satisfaction for one night with no consequences. Not as in “Easy” to find a serious relationship and settle down – which is not the main intention of Tinder or Bumble or any of the other popular dating apps either. And finding long-term relationships is certainly not Easy! It’s becoming clear how dating apps have completely altered their users’ behavior and the way they view ‘love.’ Love is no longer something people can just ‘have’; they need to ask for it, beg for it, search for it. Dating apps have introduced specific characteristics that otherwise would never exist along with many unwanted features that affect its users, thus resulting in a new generation where people are ridiculed when they say they’re looking for ‘love.’ 

Enabling Online Deception 

When I asked my highschool friends  “What has never existed before dating apps,” most replies were “catfishing,” which stems from how online dating is behind a screen. It’s difficult to tell if the person you’re flirting with is truly 23-year-old babe Madison or if it’s actually 50-year-old Jeff living in his mom’s basement trying to scam you. It’s undoubtedly a prominent issue, so much so that a large conglomerate like MTV has found a way to profit from it with their TV show Catfish. 

As the name implies, catfishing happens when the victim is baited with, for example, a photo of a conventionally attractive man or woman. Once hooked, they are strung along, prey to whatever intentions the person behind the screen has. It must be recognized that financial scam is not the only purpose behind ‘catfishing’ as many people would assume. An article released by The Cybersmile Foundation listed a few suggestions on why some may partake in this activity, including insecurities, harassment, revenge, or just to hide their identity. Hiding one’s appearance due to personal reasons (i.e. low self-esteem, mental health, etc) is understandable, especially on dating apps where there are different kinds of people and it’s tricky to expect anything. Plus, dating apps enable users to choose whether or not to show their real face, so it’s hard to blame the player when the game encourages them to cheat. 

Dating apps are the best platform for ‘catfish-ers’ to perform because it’s easier to prey upon people who are actively seeking love, making them emotionally vulnerable and thus more viable to fall for such a con. I have fallen into the televised rabbit hole that is MTV’s Catfish, and it helped me to understand the victim’s mindset. Most people take one look at the victim’s story and snicker about how gullible they are, but it’s hard to resist a ‘catfish’ who knows exactly what to say and do, especially when the victim is yearning for affection. It’s terrible. To take advantage of people’s trust and affection, and use that for one’s own good is cruel. One woman on the MTV show was willing to tat her online girlfriend’s name on her chest, despite them never having met before. It’s an extreme depiction of how ‘catfishing’ victims can be affected. Other effects include emotional toll, trust damage, disillusionment, and more, according to an article written by Osaji Obi for Social Catfish.

Reluctance to use dating apps to fall in love is expected, precisely due to problems like this. I interviewed a friend who has never used any form of online dating, and ‘catfishing’ was the biggest reason preventing her from doing so. And with 20,000 users catfished yearly in the US, according to an article on Legaljobs, I’d say the skepticism is justified. What’s even more horrifying is how committed some ‘catfishers’ can be. I’ve seen a handful of them on the MTV Show, stringing the victims along for 3 to 8 years; imagine the absolute despair and disappointment of facing someone who’s not remotely close to the ‘person’ you talk to online after all that time. It has to be a mentally scarring experience for the victim, to be manipulated into thinking they are loved and cared for by somebody that’s not even real. Even if the culprit doesn’t have malicious intent, it’s still a very heartless thing to do. Lying about your identity for so long would no doubt break every trust the victim had, ruining their expectations of love. 

The Normalization of the ‘Disposable Relationship’

Dating apps produce a variety of unfortunate (and most definitely undesirable) side effects. Aside from ‘catfishing,’ ‘ghosting’ is by far the most recognizable term. In an article for verywell mind by Wendy Rose Gould, ghosting is defined as the act of “abruptly cutting off contact with someone without giving that person any warning or explanation for doing so.” The term became more mainstream thanks to apps like Tinder, which introduced the accessibility of dating digitally.

There was no need to meet in person to fall in – or out of – love. Meeting online and then ghosting someone is an effortless way to show them you’ve lost interest. You just have to ignore their notifications and not text back, since the person can’t climb through your screen to demand answers. In fact, I think it’s a wonderfully effective method you can apply to real life as well. You can simply walk out or catch a cab to drive away in the middle of a conversation and never return if your date is not up to standard. Totally casual, right? 

The act of ‘ghosting’ has been scientifically proven to negatively affect one’s mental health. Since this behavior doesn’t allow any justification as to why exactly one gets ‘ghosted’, that person will be left questioning what happened, without resolution. According to psychologist Bree Jenkins, “a person who has been ghosted may be left wondering what this type of behavior says about them, potentially leading to depression, low self-esteem, and significant feelings of rejection and guilt.” What follows is often a reluctance to get into a new relationship, along with a negative shift in mindset. Victims are then forced to internalize romantic love as a prize that needs to be earned rather than what they deserve because they believe if they’ve been neglected then surely something is wrong with them. It is demotivating to individuals who use dating solely to settle down, not to mention utterly dehumanizing to treat someone like they’re disposable or replaceable.

I’ve witnessed firsthand many of my friends lose faith in finding true love due to the normalization of ‘ghosting.’ Imagine one day you came home to an empty house and your spouse left with no trace left behind. That would be on the news the next day. I have to confess that during my time on Hinge and Bumble, I have experienced both being the ghost and being ghosted. I told myself that everyone else was doing it to justify ‘ghosting’ others. Dating apps have continued to endorse the ‘disposability’ of a person, with features such as an ‘Unmatched’ button for people to abuse. In their research, Professor Sherry Turkle from MIT finds that when we get treated as if we can be ignored, we learn to believe that this is the norm and begin to treat ourselves as if we don’t have feelings. At the same time, we treat others as if they have no feelings in this situation, so empathy starts to fade. If I had a dollar for every time a friend complained about their ‘talking stage’ and someone replied with “just ghost them,” I’d be rich. I don’t know when advice like “you should communicate with them more” turned into encouraging a selfish and harmful course of action instead. Just because it’s normalized does not mean it’s okay.

Falling for the ‘Bare Minimum’ 

“My standards dropped tremendously when I used dating apps. I felt like I’d settle for Dobby from Harry Potter after two weeks of using [them].” Though a bit comical, this was a surprising response from one of my high school classmates in our discussion about dating apps. I was stumped because even though I acknowledged the fact that our generation, Gen Z, keeps succumbing to the tiniest bits of effort shown in terms of being courted, the potential reason for that being rooted in dating apps had never occurred to me. A study called “Preference vs Choice in Online Dating” published by behavioral economist Stephen Whyte and Professor Benno Torgler found that one or fewer criteria on the participants’ wish list were present in 65% of their interactions with potential dates on the website. One in every three contacts had no matching qualities. In the results, willingness to go out with somebody who’s not one’s ‘type’ is highlighted, which shows how dating apps have substantially lowered their users’ standards whilst swiping. 

A possible explanation for this occurrence would be the ‘rejection mindset’ – where individuals become more discouraged and rejected when they have access to an apparently endless supply of possible dates, a concept first proposed by psychologists Pronk and Denissen. It’s always beneficial to widen your pool of dating choices; however, nobody really talks about how it can create the opposite outcome. There’s a high chance that when we have a match on Tinder and start talking to them, we begin to wonder if we’re making the right choice due to the overwhelming amount of other swipers we have yet to meet. 

I’d like to add another component that would fit within this exposition: the “they’re-out-of-my-league” mindset. Stumbling upon the most gorgeous individual you’ve ever seen with so many similarities is like finding a big chunk of gold under a pile of charcoal. It sounds too good to be true – and that’s precisely the problem. People are weird when we immediately think there’s no chance between us and our dream romantic interest, even before we give it a try. Because we lack the confidence to approach someone we know can and will treat us well, we settle for less in fear of rejection, which inevitably results in a sad decline in our standards.

When I think about all of this, I can’t help but recall the quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower that says “We accept the love we think we deserve.” It reflects the ugly truth of our generation’s impression of relationships so fittingly. Dating apps have enabled us to easily fall head-over-heels for emotionless text messages and dying promises. The slow disappearance of our once-high standards is concerning when we easily geek over a ‘wyd’ text. Or when a ‘green flag’ turns from ‘They brought me flowers!” to “They didn’t ghost me this week!”. We are too easily excited over the bare minimum of what a partner should do. This is not what romance is, and definitely not what love is. Stop accepting poor attempts at affection, and start receiving the love that you deserve. Step one: Delete all of the dating apps on your phone.

The Art of… not Settling Down

A single, rising pattern I’ve noticed with this generation in the dating field is how no one is ready to commit. I get it; with thousands of choices on dating sites at the tip of your fingers, why pick one when the buffet’s all yours? Results from a study established by the Pew Research Center support this, with 32% of internet users agreeing that “online dating keeps people from settling down because they always have options for people to date.” This combined with the previous issues I mentioned also plays into the reason why fewer people are settling down. It’s the fear of getting played, of being easily cast aside, of not being taken seriously that continues to drive loving and passionate personalities down into a wretched hole of commitment issues. They still want a partner and have the desire to engage in romantic activities, just not a label.

Introducing the Situationship – where it’s a romantic relationship minus the “relationship” because the roles are never disclosed. Nowadays, mutual feelings and affection no longer lead to a definitive relationship. “Oh, you like me too? Well, guess what? We’re never going to date, but I’ll still buy you flowers and give you kisses when you’re sick.” 

It’s baffling how comfortable this generation is with accepting a non-official ‘relationship’ like they aren’t worth more than that. It’s understandable to consider the beginning stage of a potential partnership, or a “talking stage” if you will, leads to a ‘situationship’ due to how both sides are still getting to know each other and aren’t ready for anything serious yet. But if that’s continuing for a year or more? I’d say you’re wasting your time on someone unsure of what they want, and it’s better to move on. In an article for HackSpirit, Pearl Nash writes that “It is believed that the talking stage should be around two months before participants can discuss dating” – so it’s abnormal to stretch that period even longer than necessary. 

Myisha Battle from TIME proposes in their article that a ‘situationship’ is beneficial and that it encourages people to place more emphasis on living in the moment and less on planning their future. As much as I would like to agree with this statement, I simply can’t due to my experience being in a situationship, plus observations of how greatly it has affected other victims. I don’t see the positive angle of looping someone into a relationship that has the potential to develop into something more but doesn’t give it a chance to do so despite having great interest in each other. Personally, it feels like that person is emotionally unavailable and not ready for a serious relationship, and so should not have the right to waste another’s efforts and time. I saw a girl on TikTok complaining about her situationship of seven years, which is bewildering because at that point it’s a whole marriage with two children and more on the way. A situationship creates an illusion of affection, convincing the victim they’re encountering true love when in reality, they will be left in the dark wondering about their significance to the other person. 

Then there is the toxicity of refusing to announce a relationship, enabling both sides to seek other people and giving them the chance to partake in the buffet of other people on dating apps. These sites eradicated loyalty with the ocean of options offered, allowing people who are already in an exclusive relationship to participate in multiple affairs simultaneously. But it makes sense, right? Why should I not have the right to date others if you’re unwilling to commit to me? Why should I limit myself to someone who won’t settle down for me? It’s like this small voice at the back of your head, whispering reasons to escape the unhealthy route that is an unofficial relationship. This creates a relentless game of “trying to find the right person” repeatedly, preventing us from settling down. 

With the encouragement of non-committal and disposable relationships, it’s safe to assume that many people’s perceptions of what an actual romantic affinity is supposed to look like are skewed. Affection is not leading you on and then never establishing or labeling the connections. Love is not talking to you daily and then suddenly stopping and cutting off all contact. Romance rarely exists on dating apps. If you seek real connections and true love, the best course of action would be to ditch Tinder or whatever else you use and start finding it in real life – that’s where romance thrives.